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Sun, Sep. 15th, 2013, 11:55 pm
Everything in life that you resent illustrates a weakness or lack of character in your self.

I'm not sure that's a particularly revolutionary thought;
but it helps me at least really get a understanding of what appreciating things I'd previously resented... looks like.

When you truly remember that "all have sinned fallen short of the Glory of God" that details beyond that are pretty much irrelevant...

Then you cease to look at anything distasteful with anything other than absolute sorrow of the human condition;
all that self-righteous stuff seeping out of your face

All of what we call "sin" is really just a person's expression of the pain of separation from God.

A year or so ago I came to a vague understanding that I would have to become a completely different person in order to personify my vision for life>ministry.

I feel like I just realized that all this stuff I've been wrestling with... has really just been my own flesh; and that by just breathing deep and refusing to make any choices with some attitude that if circumstances changed... then I'd feel better..." just ignoring those thoughts... and focus on seeking God's Face past all the excrement of my soul... has been what has caused the growth.

What used to hurt amuses you.
Hindsight of your self resenting those things... makes you laugh.

Wed, Sep. 11th, 2013, 09:24 am
artists VS hacks

It's telling: the contrast between how people like Ayn Rand speak of writing; and how the vast majority do:

Ayn Rand speaks mostly in terms of the themes of the story, of the idea/concept/philosophy behind it.
She speaks of spending a year working in an architect's office, just to absorb the atmosphere; even though she fully intended architecture to be relegated to mere background of "The Fountainhead".
The book isn't remotely about architecture.

The vast majority (hacks) however speak mostly in terms of plot;
and writing x-amount of pages a day;
in order to bang-out at least a book a year...

The greats write because they've actually something to say.
The hacks write because they want to be thought of as someone that has something to contribute "too."

The greats write because they must.
It's more psychologically healthy for them to do so; than not.

The hacks write because they want to feel special:
They want to have written a book.

If you don't know where to start...
Then you simply have no business writing:
You aren't truly inspired...
You're just trying to do something that will make you feel special.

If you are truly inspired you will be compelled to write.
Where to start will be irrelevant.
Where you finish is all that matters;
and on your way to that you'll sort everything else out along the way;
according to the dictates of the vision...
and never some stupid formula forged to compensate for creative impotence.

The greats look at you incredulous when you ask them about their process.
They write because they are compelled to.
The process is immaterial: they describe what they find in following what they see.

The hacks absolutely need process.
They have no vision: no thing that haunts them... drives them to write.
But they want to write; and thus they need absolutely need a process;
in order to manufacture something inane;
and then they need to learn writing tricks - gimmicks - in order to distract from the fact that they're not actually saying anything at all worth saying.

Oh it's exciting; dramatical; and all the rest.
But like "reality tv"... it's pure schlock.

Learning skills is another matter entirely:
A means to an end.
Passionately pursue skills as you are inspired to do so;
just don't try to create.

You will create when you are ready.

You will have no choice but to speak when you've something to say.

The discipline will be in biding your time: restraining your self in your expression... in order to best serve the message.

Thu, Aug. 22nd, 2013, 08:14 am

I'm on the right track.

I just need to let go of concern in regards to how far that will go;
what things will look like;
and when I will get there.

For such concerns take my focus off the present.

My only responsibility is to take steps - forward; now - that seem right.

For that is the only way to learn;
and anxiety in regards to outcome only makes one shy to experiment.

Wed, Aug. 21st, 2013, 09:46 pm
lost; but not afraid..?

I used to oscillate between manic hope and depressed despair.

Now I'm calmly clueless.

I seriously don't see how on earth I'm going to become the person I feel created to be; and thus personify my vision and all that other jazz...
Or in general how my life is going to go from the massive pit that I've just kept digging... to the skyscraper I so absurdly envision.

I told my self that you just have to dig deeper to build a sufficient foundation;

but that's beside the point where all this concrete is going to come from;
or where the pretty glass and elevators and such are going to come from.


but I've also come to see the utter futility of freaking out.

So here I sit in the center of said pit...
just kind of gazing around; and up at the top... that I can't even reach anymore.


Nothing to do at this hour but go to sleep and get a good start on tomorrow.


Wed, Aug. 21st, 2013, 06:57 pm
comfortable; with being uncomfortable.

When my mind shifts from a more impulsive state to a more self-aware state...
I tend to feel really stupid; and immature.

In this particular case I thought perhaps a vow of silence would be helpful;
but during my morning walk the concept "be comfortable with being uncomfortable" popped into my head; so I thought: Nah. I just need to suck it up and face my self as is; and grow through it;

but then I found that I just was kind of sick of hearing my self talk.


It's like...

"passive silence" or something?


I dunno.

Maybe that's the point: knowing you don't know.

But neglecting to express your self - due to negative neuro-associations - isn't remotely the same thing as wisdom and prudence.


Tue, Aug. 20th, 2013, 07:19 pm
a fool learning to be wise..?

It's kind of disorienting to have your personality split between essentially an immature child;
and an adult with stratospheric standards;

But the latter personality seems to have finally developed compassion in regards to the former; whilst maintaining said standards:

Just focusing on consistency; and integrating regimen and behavior sets in that context.

and beyond that... essentially ignoring all the immature acting out.

Just focus on doing more and more relatively mature things...
Trusting that the immaturity will just be edged-out over time; without breaking the spirit of the child.

Fri, Jul. 12th, 2013, 09:45 am
Have the courage to walk away and stand alone

Just walked away from a situation that wasn't feeling right at all.
I did that with the blessing if not behest of my professional peers; but it was still very difficult for me to do.

For too long I've tried to fit my vision in with present reality, circumstances... and the seeming opportunities therein;
but that always ends-up putting me in situations that seriously drain me and distracts me from what I know is my true path.

I have got to start thinking in terms of how does present reality fit in with my vision; instead of the other way around;
and I have got to develop the courage to decline, walk away from; and generally neglect to invest any focus or energy in anything that isn't harmonious with my vision.

In life the grey is only in our minds.

At the end of the day things are either moving us in the direction of our purpose; or off center (sometimes a lot; but most of the time only very slightly) of that;
thus: moving us away from our purpose; thus tranquility.

I think I'm going to go to a coffee shop and just sit and think about my vision; and what that entails; and what that implies about how I need to live my life in these present circumstances.

Sun, May. 19th, 2013, 01:06 am
It's Franco to the rescue! (of the Great Luhrmann)

"The critics who’ve ravaged the film for not being loyal to the book are hypocrites. These people make their living doing readings and critiques of texts in order to generate theories of varying levels of competency, or simply to make a living. Luhrmann’s film is his reading and adaptation of a text—his critique, if you will. Would anyone object to a production of Hamlet in outer space? Not as much as they object to the Gatsby adaptation, apparently."
- James Franco

Let me help you Franco:
1 - 'hypocrites'
The critics would only be hypocrites if they personally did the same thing they're accusing Luhrmann of; which is unlikely; because most critics don't actually make films.
I think the concept you were attempting to allude to would be "double standard;" but I don't think there's a common derogatory noun to label people that you are generalizing with; so I can understand why you went with "hypocrite": it's just intellectually easier.

2 - "critique"
A film isn't a critique of a pre-existing work: it's an exploration.
A critique is an analysis; such would be made pior to - and perhaps during - the making of the film; but the film itself would not be a critique of the pre-existing work; though it could be a critique of something else.

3 - (re: "hamlet in space")
Surface details are utterly irrelevant. The issue is thematic flow.
if you change the overall themes - that is to say: veer from the intent of the source material - it is no longer an exploration of the original work. It is a hack of it; and thus the culprit becomes a hack his self.
And in such cases insisting on calling the new work by the same name it hacks from... is frankly disrespectful.

Judging from the films of Luhrmann's that I've seen...
He simply lacks the maturity to wield his vision with any kind of grace or poise.
The easily impressed get wowed by the grand gestures.
The more perceptive see the clumsiness in the execution.

I've not seen The Great Gatsby; so I've no opinion beyond I'm assuming it's like his others: an anticlimactic, gaudy... waste of time; with brief occasional instances of inspiring failure.
My points are simply that your logic is laughable.


Yeah I know: Franco - and likely anyone else - doesn't remotely give the slightest flatulence what I think.... of what Franco thinks... of what such and such critics think... of Luhrmann's latest film;
but setting the record straight in my own mind was educational for me.

Fri, May. 17th, 2013, 10:29 pm
old patterns die hard

for the last several days...
each one of them has featured epiphanies; and measurable growth in certain skill sets.
In the past where I'd be fretting about trying to make something happen... now I just calmly see things in terms of prerequisites;

and yet night after night I become aware of the fact that I'm wasting time I could be spending sleeping... dicking around on the internet.

I'm getting much better at neglecting to say things;
but still I catch my self just on autopilot going to such and such web sites.

and it's just like..."what am I doing? I'm not even interested."
But it's conditioned response;
and in general: trying to hold onto the day.

When the truth is...

the day is done.

and everything will go better tomorrow to the degree that I recuperate tonight.

on that note...

Fri, May. 17th, 2013, 04:30 am
I need to be more patient with the oblivion of others.

Not everyone sees what I see; as clearly as I see it.

My aggression is an expression of my frustration... is thus self-righteous... and only inspires defensive posture in those that don't already see.

skipped back 10