It's just occurred to me:
Once upon a time...
there was no advertising.
There was no marketing executives...
Perhaps I'm romanticizing a past I never lived in;
but a culture that wasn't strewn with marketing fodder...
It just seems like it would be much less vapid.
This inspires me to wonder:
Can we ever go back?
Is there thriving civilization after photoshop?
Sometimes I can be obnoxious; and over-bearing
(news flash: I'm a human being; ergo: flawed)
and on occassion that's inspired people to cut me off.
Most of the time that's never phased me.
but when a person I'd known for a number of years and chatted with on a daily basis just dropped me without saying a word... just because I said something that he didn't like...
(i get the feeling that it was a straw that broke the camel's back; but communication bitch: use it)
Well it really hurt.
and I had concluded that I just needed to be more discerning in who I invested my energy in;
Sometimes you meet people that are going to do things like that.
It doesn't matter.
You just shrug your shoulders and move on.
Yeah, it hurt.
I'm not going to try and play it off that it doesn't.
and I'll probably always miss our talks and such;
but sometimes that's just how things work out.
I will - once again - be as quick and happy to invest in people as I ever was.
I need to make sure I don't invest heavily in people that blame others for how they feel.
Because those kind of people will always at some point feel the need to drop me; and then I'll be mad at my self for investing as much as I did in them.
This has been happening a lot lately;
and I don't regret anything I did in regards to those people.
I regret investing in them in the first place; and my stubbornly ignoring their inherent victim-mentality.
People aren't perfect; and sometimes their flaws rub each other the wrong way."The hardest thing in the world is to assume the mood of a warrior.
When this happens it's always tempting to vilify the other party;
but really this is just a defensive reaction; to mask disappointment for not experiencing the outcome that we believe we needed to experience.
In the end we just have to accept that people make choices;
and sometimes those choices will take them in separate directions.
I wish him well.
I hope he personifies everything I saw in him and more;
but I need to accept that he felt the need to drop me completely;
and that - at the end of the day - that really has nothing to do with me.
It is of no use to be sad and complain and feel justified in doing so,
believing that someone is always doing something to us.
Nobody is doing anything to anybody, much less to a warrior.”
- Carlos Castaneda; Journey to Ixtlan
it's kind of awkward;
but I'm ope'ning the flood gates;
and just saying whatever I feel like saying
it quickly eradicates illusion.
and I notice that I just have less of a need to say anything.
There's a lot to say;
and a passion to say it;
but also the zeal says "not yet. or 'not that way' 'trust your intuition... bide your time...
you won't be ready to say or do anything (beyond prepare) until you truly no longer give a fuck about what anyone - other than God - thinks about anything.
and i find my self relaxing
finding the simple affection for the art of it again
also there's a tea stain on my sketchbook;
cuz my guitar cord is too short
my unchecked zealous idealism shifted to anger; that distracted me from that [zen-like] WeverTF.
I doubt it'll take me as long to find it again though.
but I need to breathe this in.
This is a lesson.
I hate not having that [zen-like] perspective.
and that annoyance will develop an instinct; an impulse control that will stop me from blinding my self with my own self-righteousness.
so yay for that:
the [growth] I see on the horizon.
everyday I laugh a little deeper softer...easier... at the me that resented all that is forming me into what I must become in order to be fulfilled.
Everyday I feel a warm fuzzy smirk at what I thought I needed.
blah, blah; etc.
i used to see it my purpose to be something of a guru... to teach of self;
and then I felt shame and came to the mind of "I don't really know any thing... yet."
and then a person approached me and told me God told them they needed to speak to me and hear whatever I had to say.
and in so doing I saw more than I would have;
but in getting focused on that;
in finding some sense of identity in that...
I distracted us both from a deeper knowing.
I can only inspire others to know by maintaining my own knowing;
and knowing supersedes logic and reason.
Knowing is cognitive union with the infinite.
Our precious rationality can only distract from that.
All that I am gifted to be... I will be;
so long as I simply focus on being;
and cease any actual striving.
I was restless; because I thought...
in the stead of being content to just see.
To be still... and know God is God.
A place where one neither needs to speak nor needs to be silent.
That is the place of true autonomy from reality.
I have no idea what else to say;
and that's probably because nothing needs to be said.
or something like that.
I know I couldn't of gotten here any other way; then how I have traveled;
and yet I could never explain it to anyone.
There's nothing I could say that wouldn't simply serve as distraction from the way.
Enlightenment isn't the end of transformation.
It's the beginning.
It is the peace necessary to walk your path with audacious humility.
I'm no where near what I am gifted to be;
but now I see:
*chuckles* "..oh; ok."
I've been near this place before;
but I always lost track of it by trying to tell people about it.
Trying to articulate the infinite...
Got so turned around in my self...
but that doesn't really matter.
I've concluded that the notion of something inspiring growth in me is not a sufficient enough reason in it's own right for me to embrace it.
The relevant questions are:
"How will this make me grow..?"
"In what direction..?"
"Is that direction harmonious with my desired outcome..?"
My life has little sense of direction in spite of my passion and potential to grow.
I've figuratively become entangled in my own offshoots.
As such my posture has simply been pulled to the ground; rather than free to ever shoot relatively upward.
I must free my self of the agenda to grow for the sake of it;
and rather focus entirely on where it is I intend to be.
For all direction will be challenge;
but only that which is congruent with my purpose will be rewarding enough that consistency therein could be sustained.
Thence forth I vow never to willingly invest even a modicum of energy in any thing that I've not discerned will move me personally closer to my desired outcome.
When the world is mostly directed by mindless peer-consensus... adaptation to such for the sake of growing beyond ego is not the growth I need.
My ego is the tool my Father has given for autonomy from such mundane madness.
My ideal growth is that of my ego against the gravitational pull of lowest common-denomination asininity.
With said strength I'll no longer feel a need to conflict with said inane aspects of reality.
I will simply have the capacity to tranquilly standfast in the midst; like a supple branch: not even having the need to be rigid; but that doesn't mean I need to seek alignment with them for hypothetical sake of said growth.
I just need to focus on the desired outcome;
And my proper relationship to the rest of reality will take care of it self.
I will not personify my vision until I come to the place of absolute acceptance of self.
Where I neither repress my gifts due to shame… nor impede them with overcompensating strife due to frustration of said repression.
But to come to such a place I must come to the end of my self fully.
I have to just stumble around like an utter imbecile until I find the faith that allows me to fully relax in His Grace.
Knowing that nothing can truly hurt me;
And that I need no one or thing.
It is only in my pursuit - of illusions of need - that I suffer.
I do not need to be understood.
I do not need to understand.
I do not need to lead.
I do not need to be led.
I do not need to be loved or accepted by anyone.
I need only accept His Love…
I need only get over my self with the simple unconditional posture of “thank you Lord.”
Such a posture gives me the power to love and accept and reject everything as He does and with an absolute calm and humility.
I did not chose my alleged perceptions or powers.
Repression and striving are both vanity of self.
I cannot escape being a fool.
I need only be tranquil in my foolishness.
When I do that I will see all folly of all people and all existence as mere reflection of my own fallen nature.
When I do this I will cease to be impeded by any sense of self-righteousness.
I will be free to personify my purpose; and thus I will feel fulfillment.