. W H U N E .

I've had a lot of them lately;
and I'd honestly not change a one of them.
not only do I learn things from them;
but they remind me of just how much bigger I am than I give my self credit for.

rage is always the most obvious.

like right now It's taking all my will power not to simply smash my xbox 360 to pieces
and my bloodlust to rip the throat out of the developers responsible for all this unneccessary xbox live crap is piqued.

It's a small thing that has inspired this rage
truly insignificant in the grand scheme of things...

but oh God how I want to bathe in blood right now.

I need to realize this is how it is for ALL my emotions

so I need to keep that in mind in regards to my decision making processes
First discern what state I'm in
and then assess the my situation with awareness of that perspective.

I need to make choices based on principle rather than whatever emotion I'm currently enveloped in.

I've tried something kind of new for me:
i don't fight my self
i kind of talk with my self instead.

the simple fact of the matter is that my inner child is really insecure.
as such he's prone to overcompensate;
and all manner of passive - or else just outright - aggressive behavior.

For years I fought this;

Today after work i just felt...
bleh.

I knew smart thing to do would be to just practice diligently and wait till the funk passed;
but I didn't want to.

So I decided to just play some FF13 and eat chocolate
:/

got bored of that sooner than later
and laid down on the floor
as I laid there I kind of had a conversation with my self
I felt very unmotivated;
but I think that's because I was feeling pressure from my parental side;
so when I just let me do whatever I wanted...
I lost the need to rebel against my self;
and ended-up having a really productive practice time.

But then my ambition kicked in;
and so in hindsight I can see how that inspired me to end the day on a less than productive way:
shooting my mouth off on the interwebs;
about whatever;
as means to convince my self of significance;
as I whether this plateau with guitar.

but then again I learn a lot from shooting my mouth about stuff... and then analyzing it.

The point is that I it's more effective for me not to try and force my self to do whatever I think needs to be done.

This isn't an ideal;
it's simply the reality.

My inner child is deeply insecure.
I need to take that into account and etc.

as I do that...

I think he's maturing.

The answer* to every problem I see is in my personally maturing as a man.
To do that all I need do is rest in God.

This epiphany is critical to my personifying my vision for life/ministry.

The answer is like nothing I thought it would be.
It's simple and frankly potentially immediate:

"Be still and know I am God."

Everything will change - in whatever way would most facilitate my vision - to the degree that I am free of need for it anything to be anything other than it is.. provided that my vision is congruent with the ideal.
Everything in my life will actualize in a natural equilibrium - beyond anything I can fathom - to the degree that I focus on nothing else other than harmonizing with God.

Projected need is momentum.

*Whether that be personally personifying a solution; or merely being tranquil in the midst of present circumstances.

For the longest time I believed that equal responsibility rested between the man and woman in a relationship.

That simply is not true.

Paul writes of the man symbolizing Christ;
and the woman symbolizing the Church.
Christ does not expect the Church to take concession for Him.
Christ looks to God the Father for strength and is thus able to love the Church regardless.

Relationships fail for one reason and one reason only:
The man is weak.
The man is weak for one reason and one reason only:
He seeks strength and validation from the woman; rather than God.
Thus he is forever empty; and thus he becomes dependent on respect from the woman.
Thus:
He needs the woman to take concession for him in regards to this need.

Taking said concession ironically inspires a loss of respect.

Respect is not something you can try to have for someone.
This then creates a chain reaction of the man feeling more and more insecure in the relationship... which inspires the woman to feel more and more insecure; because the man is failing to fulfill his role in the relationship: the Christ figure.
This becomes a downward spiral where both parties regress into more and more immature and destructive behavior.
The more "responsible" and vigilant couples will then endeavor to compensate for this... by "working hard" at the relationship... they will go to counseling... seminars... read books... go on retreats... but none of this addresses the real problem... and thus: few understand let along accept the truth and thus find a lasting solution:

If things aren't working in the relationship...
It's because the man is weak.
The man is to accept the truth of His present weakness; and man-up; by seeking God for strength.
The woman has no assignment.
If the man finds his testicles then the woman will desire him.

and then I say "no thank you"...
and then you say "I wasn't offering!"...

..
*sighs*:
I did not say you were personally offering.

I'm quite aware that your statement is intended as an invocation from the universe in general.
That is: to wish into reality a condition upon me.
In this case:
My being "fucked."

Whereas...
My wish is contrary to that.
Ergo: "No thank you" is quite an appropriate and effective response:
Absolute decline/refusal.

Or if that was too complicated for you:
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."

I don't need to go into details;
but the gist of it is that I need to focus on right where I am right now; and what the immediate step is for me to take:
that which is prerequisite to everything else.

Get that down.

Focus on the next step.

Purge my mind of anything beyond that.

It doesn't matter what my "potential" is.
It doesn't matter if I'm gifted or decidedly not; or just average or whatever.
It doesn't matter if I can or can't fulfill what I envision to be possible...
Etc, etc.

Where you are is where you are.
What matters is how you govern your self in that.

Master the level you are on.

I've consistently tried to integrate certain things into my life;
instead of becoming what I desire to be and letting everything else sort it self out accordingly.

It's fascinating to me how one can deeply understand a concept like [focusing on external factors is an irrational waste of energy thus time]
and yet not even begin to get it; and thus continue to live one's life in an utterly futile manner.

"What you don't have; you don't need it now!"

I dunno if it is.
but then I don't really feel at 'home"
at any church I've ever visited.

I feel like a baby dragon unicorn... in the midst of mature bears, and moose and monkeys and whatever else.

I'm weak and don't know what the fuck I'm doing...
but...

oh whatever I'll wander in
until I feel like that's definitely not what I should be doing

until then I'll think of it as practice on being emotionally autonomous of reality.

feeling like an outsider doesn't matter.
I keep forgetting I don't need to feel affirmed by my environment.
That's psychological dependency.
And you can't manifest reality that's contrary to the status quo... if you are so fucking emotionally dependent on it in the first bleeding place.

I need to remember that what this is
this me going in circles in my head...
is my inner mentor patiently telling my inner child the same truths
over,
and over
and over again
until he gets it
and thus becomes
and thus rises
to be
what I feels he was created to
thus finds his place
(by making it his self)
thus finds fulfillment.

Once upon a time you couldn't be called an artist unless you'd mastered the principles of form and composition.
Now today anyone that mashes one or more pre-existing components together... relying on the psychological phenomena of closure* to create the illusion of cohesion thus integrity of expression.... can claim to be an "artist."

The world is in a drought of creativity; and simultaneously in a state of utter delusion that this is actually the most creative age of all time.

case in point; the various hipster/retro/whatever type images on this page:
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2011/09/19/vintage-versions-of-modern-startups

*The human mind naturally looks for connection and order between things; no matter how random and idiosyncratic.